“We Asians often only value the first (and sometimes only) time our parents said I love you while disregarding the countless times they asked, “when did you eat?” As if they didn’t all mean the same thing.”

— Kimmy Yam @ kimmythepooh on Twitter

I’m not sure if my mother has ever actually uttered the words “I love you” to me–though she certainly has to my dog Violet (who came blame her, Violet is unbelievably cute, infinitely lovable) and surprisingly, IN ENGLISH…to a deaf pooch no less!  She does regularly, almost obsessively, ask me whether I’ve eaten, invariably plying me with food whenever I see her–soy sauce chicken from her favorite Chinese deli (Ming’s on Ocean Ave.), whole papaya, leftover sushi, homemade steamed radish cake, etc.  Food is her love language.

For most Asians, food is currency on many levels–cultural, societal, emotional, personal.  Buying, cooking, sharing, eating and (more importantly) not wasting food is in our DNA.  Mom can be unreasonably frugal when it comes to buying new clothes, but she will not compromise when it comes to procuring quality ingredients.   The question “have you eaten?” carries different weight and meaning depending on tone and whom you are asking.  To an acquaintance, it’s a cordial greeting.  To a friend, it’s a bonding gesture.  To a family member, it’s expression of love and concern for their well-being.

Where it gets complicated is when you have generational and cultural discord. Case in point, as a teenager I was extremely self-conscious and insecure about my appearance, my weight in particular–chasing one fad diet after another, monitoring every morsel of food, counting every calorie.  My family (mom especially) just didn’t get why I was vehemently rejecting their food, which I had deemed “fattening” and “unhealthy.” Of course, it didn’t help that they also made unflattering (presumably meant as a joke) observations about my need to lose a few pounds.  How the hell was I suppose to process those mixed messages being hormonal and hangry?!

Moving away for college helped ease the tension, gave me perspective.  For the first time I was on my own, freely making food choices with zero input from my family.  After my freshman year of eating mostly cafeteria dorm food–and we’re not talking inclusive global cuisine–I renewed my appreciation of Chinese food, finding comfort in the barbecue pork, roast duck, and steamed buns my mom sent back to school with me after a weekend trip home.  In turn, I bonded with my dorm mates and new-found friends by sharing this food, proudly introducing them (all non-Asian) to different styles of regional Chinese cuisine on Bay Area road trips.  Food became my love language, my favorite form of communication.

Anyone who has witnessed my interactions with my mom can tell you they often crackle with tension, much of it due to the fact that she speaks in Cantonese, I speak in English…and she stubbornly refuses to turn up her hearing aid…and she has a tendency to talk over you before you’ve finished a sentence …probably because she can’t hear you and is impatient to get her point across.  So we communicate the only way we know how, through food–she with roast duck and me with home-baked goods.

Mom’s favorite is Banana Bread.  For whatever reason, even with an easy to follow recipe, she CANNOT bake one to save her life…and she’s tried…many, many, many times.  They’re either over-baked and dry as hell, or they’re under-baked and gummy.  When she wants me to bake her a loaf, mom will complain that I haven’t baked her anything lately.  Or, she’ll simply leave a Ziploc bag of ripe bananas on the hood of my car.

I adapted this recipe from Marion Cunningham’s The Fanny Farmer Baking Book, substituting half the sugar for brown sugar, coconut oil and butter for shortening, mini chocolate chips for walnuts (not a big fan) and adding a little nutmeg, vanilla, and rum.

Banana Bread

Yield: One 8″x4″x2″ loaf

• 1 1/4 c. all-purpose flour
• 1/2 t. Kosher salt
• 1 t. baking soda
• 1/2 t. ground nutmeg
• 1/4 c. coconut oil
• 4 T. butter, room temp.
• 1/2 c. sugar
• 1/2 c. light brown sugar, packed
• 1 t. vanilla extract
• 1 T. rum (or bourbon)
• 1 c. mashed ripe banana
• 2 eggs
• 1/2 c. mini semi sweet chocolate chips

Sift together first 4 ingredients; set aside.  Cream together coconut oil, butter, and sugars until light and fluffy.  Beat in vanilla, rum, bananas, and eggs.  Stir chocolate chips into the flour mixture, then mix everything into the blended wet ingredients just until thoroughly incorporated.  Pour batter into a well-greased loaf pan and bake in a preheated 350°F oven for 45-50 mins., or until skewer comes out clean when inserted in the center.  Cool on a rack for about 10 mins. before inverting.  Allow bread to cool completely before slicing.